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Let me tell you 'bout Yo Mama...

Click here for a printable black-and-white version 

Please don't email me any.  These are from a few years ago, when I collected them (and a few are mine).  This is list is unique because I keep the vulgar ones off.

Miscellaneous points about yo mama.
Yo Mama is so fat
Yo Mama is so stupid
Yo Mama is so ugly
Yo Mama is so old
Yo Mama is so poor
Yo Mama is so short
Yo Mama is so nasty
Yo Mama is so skinny
Yo Mama's got
Yo Mama's got...talkin' 'bout...

 

- Yo mama's got more weave than a dog in traffic.
- Yo mama's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock.
- Yo mama is so bald, even a wig wouldn't help her.
- Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, she can butter an entire loaf of bread with them.
- Yo mama is so hairy, she got a haircut and lost 10 pounds.

- Yo mama's hair is so nappy, she uses a rake to comb it.
- Yo mama is so dirty, I was walking down the street with Yo Mama and when shooting started, someone yelled "Hit the dirt!" and everyone jumped on Yo Mama's back!
- Yo mama's head is so big, she doesn't have dreams, she has movies.
- Yo mama's head is so small, she got her ear pierced and died.
- Yo mama's is so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.

- Yo mama is so hairy, she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro.
- Yo mama's nose is so big, she makes Pinocchio look like a cat.
- Yo mama's got so much wax in her ears, I stuck a Q-Tip in and pulled out a Sugar Daddy.
- Yo mama's gums are so black, she spits Yoo-Hoo.
- Yo mama's breath is so bad, we didn't know if she needed a breath mint or toilet paper.

- Yo mama is so bald, if she wears a turtleneck, she looks like a busted c*ndom.
- Yo mama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles, traffic slows down.
- Yo mama's got so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail.
- Yo mama's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles, it looks like dice.
- Yo mama's teeth are so ugly, she got pulled over for not having dental insurance.

- Yo mama's head is so big, she has to step into her shirts.
- Yo mama's got so much dirt under her armpits, she grows potatoes there.
- Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
- Yo mama's so flat, the wall is jealous.
- Yo mama's @ss is so big, she has to cr@p in the dumpster.

- Yo mama's hips are so big, people set their drinks on them.
- Yo mama's legs are so white, they'd disintegrate Dracula.
- Yo mama's feet are so nasty, when she wants jam, she runs a loaf of bread between her toes.
- Yo mama is so hairy, Bigfoot took her picture.
- Yo mama is so dirty, kids eat her instead of mud.

- Yo mama is so greasy, she uses bacon as a band-aid.
- Yo mama's house is so dirty, she has to wipe her feet before going outside.
- Yo mama's house is so small, when she orders a large pizza, she has to go outside to eat it.
- Yo mama is so cheap, instead of buying a fire alarm, she hangs Jiffy Pop from the ceiling.
- Yo mama is so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.

- Yo mama is so easy that when she heard Santa Claus say "Ho Ho Ho", she thought she was getting it three times.
- Yo mama is so stank, even dogs won't sniff her cr*tch.
- Yo mama is so lazy, she thinks a two-income family is where yo Daddy has two jobs.
- Yo mama is so grouchy, the McDonalds where she works quit serving Happy Meals.
- Yo mama is so bad, when she was called for jury duty, she was found guilty.

- Yo mama's glasses are so thick, when she looks at the map, she can see people waving.
- Yo mama's drawers are so funky, the roaches check in...but they don't check out.
- Yo mama's house is so small, I put my key in the lock and stabbed everyone inside.
- Yo mama's house is so dirty, the cockroaches drive around in dune buggies.
- Yo mama's house has roaches so big, the termites have to carry switchblades.

- Yo mama's car is ugly, someone broke in just to steal the CLUB.
- Yo mama talks on the phone so much, I dialed the wrong number and IT was busy!
- Yo mama referees bar fights without a shirt on.
- Whoever said "No man is an island" never saw yo mama in the swimming pool.
- I could have been yo Daddy, but the dog beat me under the fence.
- Tell yo mama that I'm not coming over any more until she pays me for shaving her back!

 


Yo Mama is so fat ...

- she's the only person who stood by the ocean, and didn't feel small.
- she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
- she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
- her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
- she was walking down the street, I swerved to miss her, and ran out of gas.
- I have to take three steps back to see all of her!

- she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
- she's a 36-24-36...that's the size of her forearm, neck, and thigh.
- she irons her pants on the driveway.
- when she wears high heels, she strikes oil.
- she can't wear Malcolm X t-shirts because helicopters will try and land on her back.

- if she was in the movie Alive, they could ALL eat off of her ... and if they wanted seconds, they'd cut off her other leg.
- people jog around her for exercise.
- she eats Wheat THICKS.
- she went to the restaurant, looked at the menu and said, "ok."
- when she bungee jumps, she goes straight to Hell.

- even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction.
- she sat on a quarter, and a booger shot out of George Washington's nose.
- when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun.
- when she hauls @ss, she makes two trips.
- the animals at the zoo feed HER.

- when she goes to the all-you-can-eat buffet, they had to install speed bumps.
- she put on some BVDs and by the time they reached her waist, they spelled out "BOULEVARD."
- the shadow from her @ss weighs 50 pounds.
- when she wears a red dress in the summer, kids run after her yelling "Kool Aid!"
- her blood type is Ragu.

- when she auditioned for Indiana Jones, she got the part of the big rolling rock.
- they had to change the phrase "one size fits all" to "one size fits most."
- she can't wear Daisy Dukes.  Instead, she wears Boss Hoggs.
- her senior picture is an aerial photo.
- she stood in front of the Hollywood sign and it just said "H D".

- she tried to get an all-over-tan, but the sun burned out.
- she went to the buffet table and pulled up a chair.
- waitresses take her order in shorthand.
- she thinks a balanced meal is a side of ribs in each hand.
- the restaurant down the street had to change their sign to say "Maximum Occupancy: 240 patrons OR yo mama."

- instead of Levi's 501, she wears Levi's 1002's.
- she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
- when she goes to the restaurant, she doesn't get a menu.  She gets an estimate.
- she DJs for the ice cream truck.
- she eats cereal out of a satellite dish.

- when she wears corduroy pants, the ridges don't show.
- when she wears a purple sweater, people call her "Barney."
- she made Richard Simmons cry.

 


Yo Mama is so stupid.

- she tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order.
- she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
- she asked "what's the telephone number is for 911?"
- she took a ruler to bed with her, in order to find out how long she slept.
- she took a token with her when she was on Soul Train.

- she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
- when she went to take the number 44 bus, she took the 22 twice, instead.
- when you blow in her ear, she says, "thanks for the refill."
- she died before the police arrived because she couldn't find the "11" button when she dialed 911.
- when she heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

- after she watched the ballerinas, she asked, "why don't they get taller girls?"
- she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out all the W's.
- she thinks m@sterbation is a karate teacher.
- she studied for a blood test.
- when she went to Disneyworld, she saw a road sign that said, "Disneyland Left", so she went back home.

- she asked for a price at the dollar store.
- she thought meow mix was a record for cats.
- when the computer said, "press any key to continue," she gave up because she couldn't find the "any" key.
- she tried to drown a fish.
- she couldn't spell "cat" if you spotted her the "c" and the "a."

- she couldn't tell which way an elevator was going if I gave her two guesses.
- when the judge said, "order in the court," she said, "I'll have a hamburger and a Coke."
- she told me to meet her at the corner of "walk" and "don't walk."
- she thought 2 Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
- she tried to drop acid, but the car battery fell on her foot.
- she tried to steal a police car because she thought 911 meant Porsche.

 


Yo Mama is so ugly...

- she looked out the window and was arrested for mooning.
- they filmed Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
- they didn't give her a costume for her part in Star Wars.
- when she walks into the bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.
- she pressed her face in dough and made monster cookies.

- they rub tree branches on her face to make ugly sticks.
- they pay her to put her clothes on at strip joints.
- when she sits on the beach, cats try to bury her.
- yo Daddy takes her to work with him, so he won't have to kiss her goodbye.
- after her birth, the doctor slapped her mother.

- she walked into a haunted house and walked out with a paycheck.
- the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
- two guys broke into her apartment.  She yelled, "r@pe!" and they said, "No!"
- people dress up as her for Halloween.
- they put her face on a box of Exlax and sold it empty.

- when she passes by the bathroom, the toilet flushes.
- when she was born, the hospital put her in an incubator with tinted windows.
- when she looks into the mirror, the reflection ducks.
- when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
- she fell out of the ugly tree at a young age, and hit every branch on the way down!

 


Yo Mama is so old...

- I told her to act her age and she died.
- she still owes Moses $3.
- her social security number is 8.
- she knew Burger King when he was still a prince.
- her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
- she sat behind Jesus in 3rd grade.

- she owes Fred Flinstone a food stamp.
- when she reads the Bible she reminisces.
- the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.
- she farts mummy dust.
- when she was young, rainbows were in black and white.
- when she was in school, there was no history class.

 


Yo Mama is so poor...

- I went to your house on Thanksgiving and you were eating turkey pot pies.
- I saw her walking down the street, kicking a can.  I said, "What you doing?" and she said, "Moving."
- you go out for Sunday pushes on the skateboard.
- she married young, just for the rice.

- thieves break in and leave stuff.
- your TV has two channels: on and off.
- I came over for dinner and saw three beans on the table.  I took one and she said, "Don't be greedy."
- she uses a firefly to light the house.
- t.v. dinner trays are her good china.

 


Yo Mama is so short...

- she poses for trophies.
- you can see her feet on her drivers license.
- she has to cuff her underwear.
- her homies are the Keebler Elves.


Yo Mama is so nasty...

- when she goes to the hair salon, she told the stylist to give her a trim, and then opened up her shirt.
- I called her for phone s*x and got an ear infection.
- she went swimming and now we have the dead sea.
- she looks like she got jumped by the cavity creeps.
- she made Right Guard turn left.

 


Yo Mama is so skinny...

- she has to wear a belt when she wears spandex.
- she turned sideways and disappeared.
- she can hoola-hoop a Cheerio.
- she has to run around the shower in order to get wet.
- if she had dreads, I'd grab her by the ankles and use her to mop the floor.
- she swallowed a meatball and I thought she was pregnant.

 


Yo Mama's got...

- Yo mama's got no legs and a bike.
- Yo mama's got no ears and I saw her trying on sunglasses.
- Yo mama's got 3 toes and 3 knees and they call her Toni, Tone, Tony.
- Yo mama's got one eye, one leg, one arm, and one knee and they call her "Uno."

- Yo mama's got two fingers and she's a representative for world peace.
- Yo mama's got a missing finger and can't count past nine.
- Yo mama's got no fingers and a typewriter.
- Yo mama's got one arm and swims in circles.
- Yo mama's got 3 fingers and a banjo.

- Yo mama's got 3 teeth...one in her mouth, and 2 in her pocket.
- Yo mama's got 1 hand and a Clapper.
- Yo mama's is blind and seeing another man.
- Yo mama's got a Nike tag on her weave, so now everybody calls her "Hair Jordan."
- Yo mama's got an afro with a chin strap.

- Yo mama's got 4 eyes and 2 pairs of sunglasses.
- Yo mama's got so much hair on her upper lip, she braids it.
- Yo mama's got a wooden afro with an "X" carved in the back.
- Yo mama's got 10 fingers...all on the same hand.
- Yo mama's got a glass eye with a fish in it.

- Yo mama's got a wooden leg with a kick stand.
- Yo mama's got a metal afro with rusty sideburns.
- Yo mama's got a wooden leg with branches.
- Yo mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.
- Yo mama's got one arm, and when she fights, the announcer says, "She throws a right, a right, and another right."

 


Yo Mama's Got...Talkin'   'bout...

- Yo mama's got one eye on the right, talkin' 'bout "Make this left."
- Yo mama's got one ear, talkin' 'bout she wants to hear both sides of the story.
- Yo mama's got no legs, talkin' 'bout how she's running things.
- Yo mama's got three fingers, talkin' 'bout, "Gimme five."

- Yo mama's got no eyes, talkin' 'bout, "I see what you mean."
- Yo mama's got no fingers, talkin' 'bout how she wants to join the Pointer Sisters.
- Yo mama's got no legs, talkin' 'bout how she used to kick it.
- Yo mama's got no ears, talkin' 'bout, "I hear ya."
- Yo mama's got one leg, talkin' 'bout, "Ain't no half-steppin'."
- Yo mama's got no fingers, talkin' 'bout how she's gonna press charges."

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