Dealing with Telemarketers
I maybe the only person in the world who runs to the phone hoping to see "unknown name/unknown number" on the caller ID. Why? Because I love to annoy telemarketers. I have a whole array of personas and lines I use. Here are some of them.
The Rock
Actual call. (TM = Telemarketer)
Me: Smackdown Hotel, Great One speaking
TM: This is Richard from I.M.A Enterprises.
Me: IMA?
TM: Yes
Me: As in "IMA Jabroni?"
TM: Well, yes...I haven't heard that one before. We're calling because you have been selected as a sweepstakes winner for people holding Visa, Mastercard, American Express, or Discover. Do you have one of these?
Me: The Rock has something better than that. The Rock has a big right hand - and the Rock takes that big right hand and he lays the smackdown on jabronis, if you smell what the Rock is cookin'"
TM: Would you lay the smackdown on my candy @ss? (evidently, the boy knows who the Rock is)
Me: Yes, but since you aren't, the Rock has something else. The Rock has ... a message.
TM: Know my role and shut my mouth?
Me: No, the Rock says take your sweepstakes and write it down on a sheet of paper. Turn that sumb*tch sideways, and stick it straight up your candy @ss!"
From another caller:
TM: Do you subscribe to the Wichita Eagle?
ME: No, the Rock does not subscribe to the Wichita Eagle.
TM: Well, right now we are running a special where you can receive 10 weeks of the Eagle for the low, low price of $19.99.
ME: $19.99?
TM: Yes! $19.99. Would you like to get the Eagle?
ME: The Rock would like to have a whole lot of newspapers! He'd like to take those newspapers and rollllll them up really nice and tight, put rubber bands on the ends of them, turn them sideways, and stick them straight up your candy @ss!!! If ya smellllll what the Rock is cookin!
For the future, I am armed with the knowledge that by law telemarketers are required to answer certain questions, such as his/her name, company, and if that person is indeed a telemarketer. With that, I can use this:
Me: The Rock has a question for you.
TM: OK
ME: What is your name?
TM: I'm...
ME: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!!! Which company do you represent?
TM: I work for...
ME: IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT COMPANY YOU WORK FOR!!! Are you a telemarketer?
TM: Ye...
ME: IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU'RE A TELEMARKETER!
Stone Cold Steve Austin
Stone Cold is actually an easy one to pull off.
When they say anything to you, say "What?"
Then, you can spice it with phrases such as
That's the bottom line, cuz Stone Cold said so.
If you want me to buy your product, give me a "H*ll yeah!"
That's just not gonna happen, cuz that's something that I just don't do!
Jonathan Beasley
Jonathan Beasley is one of my all-time favorite K-State players. I even dedicated a section of my site to his career (click here), but he was hilarious because he responded to all questions with the same type of "jock talk" answer. Here is an example of one of my calls:
Telemarketer: This is publisher's clearinghouse. We have called to let you know that you have been selected as a finalist in our new sweepstakes.
Me: A finalist? That's great, because our goal has been to make the finals, and we knew that we would only be able to do that by sticking to the game plan, and executing our game plan, and giving 110% on every play, and at practice, and in film study, and by focusing on the little areas. We leave everything on the field and we aren't going to take any shortcuts, because we want to continually get better day by day and week by week, and only by taking care of the little things will we be able to get better and meet or goals of making of the finals.
You answer every question this way until they tire of you. For instance, "well who do you use for long distance?" "Well, we don't pay attention to the competition, because we know that we just need to go out and play our game and execute our game plan, and play to our potential, because..."
Kosh
Kosh is an alien from the TV series Babylon 5. He is cryptic and vague, which makes him perfect for telemarketers.
Feel free to use any of these Kosh-isms to answer any questions:
at the hour of Scampering/at the hour of longing (when they ask when somebody will return)
Understanding is a three edged sword
The truth points to itself.
The willows must scuttle
carefully
Ah. You seek meaning.
Listen to the MUSIC not the SONG
What is need compared to the path?
A stroke of the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles.
You are not ready for immortality
The avalanche has already started. It is too late for the pebbles to vote.
I have always been here
NEVER ask that question!' (when asked "what do you want?")
We are all Kosh
You do not understand. But you will.
Impudent. Incorrect. Disobedient
One of my favorite calls, from AT&T:
Me: Yesssss (if you can mimic Kosh, it is even better)
TM: This is AT&T. We understand that you used to be a customer, and now you are not. May I ask who you are with?
Me: Gold Channel
TM: I have not heard of them.
Me: We use organic technology. It is ... efficient.
TM: OK. How much do you spend on your long distance calls?
Me: Nothing.
TM: Nothing? How is that?
Me: The Vorlon government pays.
TM: Do you know how much they pay?
Me: What is need compared to the path?
TM: Huh?
Me: Understanding is three-edged sword. Do you understand?
TM: No
Me: Goooooood
TM: Do you make international calls?
Me: I make intergalactic calls.
TM: What planet do you call?
Me: Vorlon Homeworld
TM: What planet are you on now?
Me: Earth
TM: How do you handle local calls?
Me: Telepathy
If he hasn't hung up yet, you can string him out with more various cryptic phrases from the above list until they give up.
Vorlon Inquisitor
In an episode of Babylon 5, we were introduced to Mr. Sebastian, an inquisitor for the Vorlons. He is perhaps my favorite persona.
Me: Yes, I think I am interested in your product, but first I have a question.
TM: OK
Me: Who are you?
TM: I am Jane Doe
ME: UNACCEPTABLE ANSWER!!! I did not ask for your name. I asked 'Who are you?"
TM: I am from Universal Satellite
ME: UNACCEPTABLE ANSWER!!! I did not ask for your employer! I asked 'Who are you?"
TM: We are a fully authorized dealer of satellite...
ME: UNACCEPTABLE ANSWER!!! I did not ask for your authorization. I asked 'Who are you?"
TM: I already told you, my name is Jane Doe.
ME: UNACCEPTABLE ANSWER!!! I did not ask for your name. It was unacceptable before, and it is still unacceptable! I asked 'Who are you?"
TM: I do not know what you want.
Me: You expect me to put my financial trust in your product, when you cannot even answer the most simple question, without falling back on names, employers, government positions, and those things that others give to you when you choose to hide behind formalities. Have you nothing of your own, nothing to stand on that isn't provided, defined, delineated, stamped, sanitized, numbered and approved by others? Who are you?
[Trust me, they WILL give up and hang up]
Feel free to pepper your speech with these Sebastian phrases:
"You have the audacity to presume you are on a mission
from (name of company). I don't believe it!"
"You don't like selling your product to me do you?
You'd rather be in your own little world dreaming dreams of glory."
"Why are you here now? Perhaps the world is right and
your employer is wrong? Do you consider that? [if telemarketer answers
"yes" then add "Then there might be hope for
you."]
"Do you know what your problem is? You are a piece of
the machine that thinks it is the whole of the machine. You have
malfunctioned. Admit it and you will feel better."
"Your only destiny is to be the nail that gets beaten
down by the hammer. BANG BANG BANG"
"I'm afraid this isn't going to work out for you. You
were doomed from the moment of your birth."
Mr. Morden
Mr. Morden is the loveable bad guy from Babylon 5. I haven't got to test drive this one yet, but I can't wait...
Me: This product of yours sounds very interesting. May I ask you question?
TM: Sure
Me: What do you want?
TM: Well, I was hoping to tell you about our product.
Me: You did that. Then, what do you want?
TM: Well, I was hoping you would buy it.
Me: OK, suppose I do. Then, what do you want?
TM: huh?
Me: What do you want?
TM: I don't think I understand.
Me: It's not that difficult of a question.
TM: Well...I would like a raise.
Me: OK...now we are getting somewhere. Then, what do you want?
TM: Well, I'd like to be able to retire.
Me: Very interesting. Then, what do you want?
...
See if you can get them to something like ruler of the world, or such...if you can, tell them, "My associates think you have great potential. They can be of great help. We are here to serve you. Let us know if you have need of us. You'll know how to contact us."
(See if you can freak them out in a Faustus-type of way.
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