Kansas Humor

IT'S SO HOT IN KANSAS THAT..

The birds have to use pot holders to pull worms out of the ground.

I saw a coyote chasing a rabbit and they were both walking.

The popcorn growing in the field is already popped.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.

IT'S SO DRY IN KANSAS THAT...

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The trees are whistling for the dogs.

A sad Kansan once prayed, "I wish it would rain-not so much for me, cuz I've seen it-but for my 7-year-old."

A visitor to Kansas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"

A rancher quickly answered "Yes, it does. Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"

The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."

Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about two and a half inches of that."

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM KANSAS WHEN...

You no longer @ssociate bridges (or rivers) with water.

You can say 110 degrees without fainting.

You eat hot chilies to cool your mouth off.

You can make instant sun tea.

You learn that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95, you feel a bit chilly.

You discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.

You discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

It's noon in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one person is out on the streets.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m. before work.

No one would dream of putting vinyl upholstery in a car or not having air conditioning.

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You never met any celebrities.  (Bob Dole isn't a celebrity, he's your neighbor.)

You know the meaning of Rock Chalk Jayhawk.

Your closest neighbor is more than a mile away, and you can still see him from your front porch.

You can properly pronounce Salina, Basehor, Schoenchen, Kechi and Osawatomie.

Going on vacation means going to Hutch to the fair, Abilene to Ikes house or Boot Hill to see Miss Kitty.

 A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F150 4x4 is. (except in Johnson County)

The terms Sooners and Huskers cause the hairs on the back of your neck to stand up straight and your blood pressure to rise.

You have been asked, Where is Toto more than once.

You prefer the Little Apple over the Big Apple as a place to live.

You had at least one summer job that was bucking bails or custom cutting.

Your school cl@sses have been canceled because of the cold.

Your school cl@sses have been canceled because of the heat.

Traffic congestion is ten cars waiting to p@ss a combine on the highway.

You call that smell coming from the feedyards...Money.

You complain that you can not see Scott City...And you are in Dighton!

You know that Mt. Oread is really only just a hill.

You have seen people wear bib overalls to funerals and weddings.

Over 50% of your wardrobe is purple.

In August you break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7a.m.

You instantly know someone is from Johnson County when they call everything west of Topeka... Western Kansas.

You know the real way to pronounce the name of Clintons state and the river...arKANSAS.

You think the opening day of pheasant season is a national holiday.

You NEVER liked Norm Stewart.

SOME HINTS FOR TOURISTS VISITING THE LAND OF AHHS

  Issued by the Kansas Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Urbanites:

  1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Mike's Cafe. It's a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you upset the ladies in the kitchen they'll kick your @ss.

 2) Don't laugh at the names of our little towns (Hays, Chase, Ottawa, Oswego, WaKeeney, etc.)  or we will just HAVE to kick your @ss.

 3) Don't order a bottle or a can of soda here.  Here it's called Pop. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an @ss kicking.

 4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you. We are also better educated and  generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hicks or we'll kick your @ss.

 5) We have plenty of business sense. We have to make a living here. Naturally, we do sometimes have small lapses in judgment from time to time, but we are not dumb enough to let someone move to our state in order to run for the Senate. If someone tried to do that, we would kick their @ss.

 6) Don't laugh at our Jackelopes. Anything that inspires tourists to buy 50,000 postcards can't be bad. When you're in Hays don't point at the genitalia on the white buffalo or we'll kick your @ss.

  7) We are fully aware of how cold it gets here in the winter, so shut the h*ll up. Just spend your money and get the h*ll out of here or we'll kick your @ss.

 8) Don't order the vegetarian special at the local diner. Everyone will instantly know that you're a tourist. Eat your steak well-done like God intended and have some potatoes with that, for heaven's sake!  Or we'll kick your @ss.

 9) Don't try to fake a western accent. We don't  have an accent. Do NOT mention high noon at Dodge City as that will incite a riot and you will get your @ss kicked.

 10) When you go to Dodge City don't ask to see the OK Corral  because it's in Tombstone, Arizona. If you do ask and someone starts to give you directions, they  A) don't speak English and are trying to placate you. OR  B) They are sending you to get your @ss kicked.

 11) Don't talk about how much better things are at  home because we know better. Many of us have visited  big-city hell-holes like Detroit, New York, and  LA, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, United Airlines is ready when you are.   Move your @ss on home before it gets kicked.

 12) Don't complain that most of Kansas is flat and  that there aren't enough trees. If you whine about OUR scenic beauty we'll kick your @ss all the way back to Cleveland. 

 13) Don't ridicule our mannerisms. We only speak when spoken to. We hold doors open for others. We offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet, little grey-haired grandmothers  or they will kick some manners into your @ss just like they did ours.

 14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live on the prairie? That's because we have enough sense to not live in filthy, smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or LA.  Make fun of our fresh air and we'll kick your @ss.

 15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come out here and tell us how the prairie should "go back to the  buffalo."  This will get your @ss shot, right after it is kicked.  Just mention this once and you will go home in a pine box. Minus your @ss.

 Enjoy your visit in the Land of Ahhhs

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